As I sit here now writing this, the day that I had finally had enough, I had even chosen my style out, I always wondered how I would go, today was the day and it ended up being a Knife, slitting my Wrist upwards, toward my breaking Heart.
A friend Sheryl actually Posted on Facebook this morning the following, and I wondered if I would be #4, little did I know what the rest of the day would entail ...
"Enjoy today for no-one is guaranteed tomorrow.
This week I will be attending my third funeral in just 9 months.
All for women between 38 and 59 who passed quickly and very unexpectedly.
We never know what is around the corner, so make the most of the day, smile at a stranger you pass on the street, wish the cashier a happy afternoon.
Kiss and hug your people and tell them you love them every time you part because you never know when you won't be able to do that again."
After reaching out for help numerous times in the past month, and publishing My Truth last week on Facebook to my friends and family, finally today had arrived.
This morning at 10.15am I was in the middle of a Phone Consult with Dr Tushkar at The Pain Clinic in Christchurch {we live 420km away}.
We were discussing how my Medical Marijuana was going, and what I was experiencing, when, in uncontrollable tears, shaking, breathless it all came pouring out {again} about MY PAIN, and how I felt Suicidal, have Self-Harmed in the past and been taken to Hospital in the past for my injuries.
Dr Tushkar took the initiative and phoned 111 and notified the Crisis Mental Health Team.
While waiting for the St John Ambulance to arrive, I asked my 20-year-old daughter to call my husband, as I was most likely going to be admitted.
The Ambo’s arrived, and they seemed a bit puzzled as to why they were there - after all it was a 111 phone call from 420km away!!!
After the introductions and nitty-gritty of Blood Pressure - High, Pulse - quick, Heart was still beating, and Oxygen - was rapid as I was breathing quickly, and crying alot, as I was "in crisis".
While I was going through my Meds with one Ambo, the other was ringing the Crisis Mental Health Team, and couldn’t get through - eventually leaving a message.
The way the Health system is set up, they could not take me to Nelson Hospital, to be then transferred to the Mental Health Team, they {the Mental Health Team} had to first Accept me as a Patient.
The first step was for the Crisis Team to be notified, and for me to be transferred into their care with a possible hospitalisation, a thorough Top-To-Toe inspection, including Injuries, Medication, Scans, MRI’s etc, and for someone to just sit with me, and listen.
After what seemed like forever, the decision was agreed for me to keep trying to call 1737, to notify them that I was Suicidal, but Safe, and to start a Dialogue.
For me to be supervised/watched for the remainder of the day and night by my Husband {which is a short-term solution}.
And for me to notify my Dr's Practice in Stoke.
After 3 calls to 1737 {first call on hold for 5+ minutes while I was with the Paramedics, and my Husband arrived, second phone call I was on hold, they finally answered after 38 minutes, then the call got disconnected, 3rd call I gave up, and used the option of them Texting me back with some Weblinks.
Today had iust got me to the point of no return as I have so much on my mind, most of which was MY PAIN.
I had a Jet Boat accident in 1996, and a Coccygectomy {removal of the Coccyx two years later}.
For the next 26 years I complained of the excruciating PAIN in my Back {this will be another Chapter}, but quite by #Accident {and thank goodness to Physiotherapist Marissa Stuart of BodyFix Nelson who referred me to Mr Nicholas Finnis Spinal and NeuroSurgeon at Christchurch Brain and Spine.
After an MRI of my Spine, Mr Finnis was surprised that I was even able to walk {at that time I relied on a Walking Stick I had nick-named "McKenzie"}, and that I needed an immediate Spinal Fusion, with Bone Graft and Gage at my C4/C5, which Mr Finnis then applied for Surgery through ACC, as this was the result of a very serious accident, when I was just 22 years old.
While the Application with ACC was still waiting to be accepted, Mr Finnis decided {again - thank goodness} to get Imaging done of my remaining Spine, and found a Spur/Nodule at the end/base of my Spine, and that YES, I had had a #Botched Operation for the past 26 years!
12 weeks ago I had a “Revisal Cocygectomy” at St George’s Hospital in Christchurch, and am in more Pain than ever, as I recover from this, my second Spinal Op.
Which is a real #Bummer {pun intended} as literally, your Coccyx is where you sit down on your Bum or "sit upon" as my Grandmother would say!
At the moment I am in desperate need of two Spinal Fusions, C4/C5 and my Neck, and an Ankle/Foot Reconstruction, as I have “Tibialis Posterior Tenosynovitis” and “Adult FlatFoot Deformity”, which involves Ligament and Muscle lengthening, removal of the inflamed Tendon lining, Tendon transfers, cutting and realigning Bones, placement of Implants to realign the Foot, and Joint fusions, 6 months in a Moon Boot, 12-24 months recovery.
WOWsiers .. that was a mouthful, so all of the above, plus inadequate Pain Relief was just the final tip on the Scale today.
Looking at this Reel I posted yesterday, you would never know what is going on …
I actually Posted the following to my Personal Facebook page last week, and only 2 people reached out to see if I was okay …
Throwback to five years ago, taken just after the Court Case for my #MeToo Kidnap and Assault that happened when I was 19 years old.
Looking at this photo, you don't see a suicidal woman, with Long Term Depression and PTSD, with a history of alcohol abuse, prescription drugs, and self-harming.
You see what I had to/needed to show, a "Mask of MakeUp", so I could step out the door.
I was and am scared all the time, that I will run into HIM, that he has the Power to hurt me and my children further.
I am a Survivor, and even though it was advised by friends, family, and Professionals not to take this to Court, within 24 hours of me going to Nelson Police, based on my description of being held in a building in Wellington, that looked like a Karate Dojo on the side of the Hill, they had the Address!
Over the next 3 years the Police built such a strong case, and he was shaking in his Boots when it came down to the Verdict, as he knew he was Guilty, and likely going to Prison for 8+ years.
Due to it being "Historical" the Jury decided there was not enough "physical" evidence, but they believed ME.
Three Jurors approached my husband and parents after the Trial, and said THEY believed ME.
What they, the Jury didn't know is he had also attempted the same thing with a 16-year-old teenager, who was at the time his girlfriend's daughter.
Fortunately, she was able to wiggle out from under him {he was 6+ feet Tall, 130kg+ in weight}.
They had gone to the Police, but decided not to press Charges - it's on File.
He had also been Fired from his Career at the Bank for Fraud, he had taken ALOT of money, and was Loaning it out to "mates" who didn't qualify for a Loan.
He was also Charged and Convicted for trying to take a Bong onto a flight from Auckland, it's in the Newspaper.
There is so much more I could say, but it will all be in my book I am working on called "The Next Chapter".
I am still pleased I went to the Police, although it took me many years, as the first person I told of the assault said to me "I wouldn't let a guy do that to me"!
Sorry babes, in a situation like this, the choice is out of your hands.
The more people that Report instances like this, it builds a Case for his/their next innocent victim, which means my Testimony will be admissible in Court, if he ever gets accused again.
I don't talk about it often, but it is always in my mind and in my relentless nightmares.
Please speak up, I am here if you need someone to listen.
Please reach out and ask for help.
#MeToo #SpeakUp #5YearsOn #TriggerWarning #PTSD #LongTermDepression #Nightmares
"Emergency and Support Helplines"
Actress Elizabeth Moss
In some ways, I feel like Actress Elizabeth Moss's character in her new drama Series “The Veil”.
It follows the relationship between two women playing a deadly game of truth and lies.
One woman has a secret, and the other has a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost.
Elizabeth plays Imogen Salter, a Spy and MI6 agent, with countless undercover clandeston assignments and Identities/ Legends ...
I feel like I have lived 100 Lives or Legends, and lately all my possible Lives are coming forward as I constantly think about MY Past, and now have to start thinking about MY Future and stay Positive.
I only said last night {before this happened} that when I FINALLY get my Ops, I may grow 6cm Taller, as I have shrunk 6cm in height since I was 17 years old!
PLUS I have been told I will be in less PAIN after My Ops, than what I am in now!
AND I will be a Bionic Woman, with quite possibly no Zimmer Frame! #WinWin
I say it again, please speak up, I am here if you need someone to listen.
Please reach out and ask for help.
#TheLifeOfKathe #OneDaytAtATime #FiveMinutesAtATime #Pacing #SpoonTheroy #StepByStep #Meditation #MeToo #SpeakUp #5YearsOn #TriggerWarning #PTSD #LongTermDepression #Nightmares #Accident #ACC #BrokenHealthSystem #LivingWithChallengers #SelfCare
#ShineOn #VineAppareal #NOOZ #BobbiBrown #CharlotteTilbury
